if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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