He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
