It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
