I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
