good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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