i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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