i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
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I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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