I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
