i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
