He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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