someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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