you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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