right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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