When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
