Will you blow on my dice?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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