As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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