My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
