I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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