I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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