i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
