I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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