Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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