My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
