i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
