News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This house was built for laser tag.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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