The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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