wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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