I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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