I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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