I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
