Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
