The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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