Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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