I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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