dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
