it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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