she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
