in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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