Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
