Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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