Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
