So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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