I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
