Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dignity is for republicans.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize