I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
