1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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