So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We are two peas in an std pod
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
