her vagine was all disorganized.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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