Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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