I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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