Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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