He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
