i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
