I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you never un-have a 4some
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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