We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
is wine microwaveable?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
