You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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