My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
