I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
