i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
