A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
