i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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