I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
